Month 10

Dear Desi,

Happy ten months! Sorry this letter is a day late. I wish I could claim that I was busy doing something productive yesterday. Sadly, I spent most of yesterday trying to salvage some corrupted digital photos of you and your sister. Wonderful, pretty photos that the internet would have loved. And after hours and hours of downloading and "recovering" it didn't work. All that wasted time. Ah well. It's a good thing I have other photos saved that were just as great. Maybe even better.



You have grown in sooo many ways in the past month, and proven yourself to be a very smart baby. I myself am in awe of the many many things you've taught yourself to do. Like how fast you're now zipping around on your andador! You are never happier than when you're free to walk around on your own, able to run after your Ate, reach for her and other things you're not supposed to touch. You are so brave and so active, it won't be long before you are running with your own two feet. Mommy needs to start exercising again just to keep up with you.



It was also in this past month that I had to teach you to sleep through the night. Until a couple of weeks ago, you were still waking up 3-5 times a night, as if you don't know how to go back to sleep without a boob in your mouth. And I could feel myself slowly descending into lethargy and ire, I didn't want to be resentful of you for robbing me of almost a year of sleep, especially if I knew there was something I could do about it. Even after Tito Jojo's advice to fill you up with fatty foods for dinner did not work, I knew I had to do it the hard way. For two nights, Daddy was away, I refused to nurse you after bedtime until the sun came up and neither of us got much sleep. You would wake, cry for 10 minutes, sleep for 5, cry again for 10, sleep again for 5, at infinitum. The whole process drained me but it was worth it because by the third night, you only woke up 3 times, fourth night and the rest, you only woke up once or not at all until 5AM. Yay! I'm still not sleeping through the night. Seems a year of conditioned waking is a little harder to get rid of. But the hard part is over. And yes, Mommy is sleeping more.



These last couple of nights though, you have been cheating, you clever clever girl. For one thing, Daddy's heart breaks when you wake at 4 AM crying. He's all, "Maybe she's hungry." Well, duh. And every time you hear his voice you cry even louder! Boy do you know early on which parent's heart you can melt. But the clincher is since you've learned to sign for milk, it's the loophole to the no more dede at night rule. Signing will get you what you want and does it ever. Last night you fell asleep at 8:30, like a good little baby. By 4:00AM you were rolling around restless and crying, and I was prepared to let you tire yourself out until you fall asleep again but you raised your hand and signed for milk. How can I resist when you asked so nicely? This is how we reached our sleepytime compromise. You wake up only ONCE every night and I nurse you if you sign. Fine. I'm crossing my fingers that this isn't a step backwards in your sleep training.



Sleepless nights aside, I am over the moon that you can sign for milk, and that you are now understanding that moving your hands around can communicate what you want. You're an expert at "dede" and you're trying to figure out "more" "eat" and "water". You sign all these during meal times but I think we're confused as to which means what. You're also learning the signs for "ligo" and "up!". It's extraordinary how fast you've caught on to this signing thing. You even sign for milk even if you're not hungry! You do it to get me to lift you out of your crib! And then you nurse for less than a minute, and then go about playing again, enjoying your freedom. Desi. You are too clever for your own nappies. And I am so proud of you!

I do believe you've noticed that most people do not speak with their hands but with their mouths, and so just as you are so eager to learn to walk, you also want to go ahead and talk. Mostly it's "Ababababa" or "Adadadada" but there is one word, your first word, which I have a feeling you know the meaning of. It's not Mama, it's not Daddy, it's Ate. I've been trying to get you to say Mommy for the longest time. But the first time I asked you to say Ate, you readily replied with "Ate!" and then again, "Ate-ateh-teh-teh!" Once we peeked into Ate Lia's room to see if she's still asleep. When we quietly left, you said, without any prompting, "Ate!" Do you have any idea how heartwarming it is that your first word refers to your big sister? I suppose this means she is your favorite person in the world. It is so cute I don't even mind that it's not me and that you've never said Mommy yet. Ever. At all. After everything I've done for you. Ah well.



I want you to know that even if I'm depriving you of my milk at night, it doesn't mean I don't like nursing you. As a matter of fact, I thought I would not be able to recover my milk production after Daddy and I went to Macau. But we worked at it and here we are. You haven't had a single drop of formula since you were born. It looks like I won't have to give you formula until I wean and transition you when you turn one. I'm very proud of this, and proud of you. I do enjoy nursing you and I want you to keep having my milk for as long as we can keep it up.



Oh Desi, you have no idea how much joy you bring to my life, how you are the reason I smile every morning, how watching you grow fills my heart with so much warm fuzziness, I wish I could bottle up this feeling and use it to solve the world's ills. It is my great honor to be your Mommy.

Thank you for finally letting me sleep.

Love, Mommy